I have always grown up in church. My parents had me involved in everything
there was to be involved in. For most of my life however I was a shy sickly
child. I lived in a fairly isolated area and spent most of my time around
adults instead of kids my age. For this reason I had a lot of trouble adjusting
when I started school. I feel like I was always expected to act like an
adult. So I was different than the other kids and was picked. I was
very depressed and lonely I can remember in the fourth grade wanting to
kill myself.
HOW I CAME TO CHRIST
When I was about 8 years old a group came to my church and did a play
about hell. I was very scared and felt God tugging at my heart to go forward.
However I was very shy and was too scared to make a decision then. When
I was 12 my father started talking to me about salvation because that was
the age that he was saved. In April of 1990 we had the annual spring revival
at my church. All week long God was dealing with my heart telling me I
needed to go forward. So thursday when the invitation was given I prayed
to the Lord that I knew I was a sinner, that I could not save myself and
needed him, and asked him to come into my heart save me and be Lord of
my life. Then I got up and walked down the isle and told our preacher
what I had done. Then a few seconds after that my younger sister Emily
also walked down the isle and was saved. So you never know who is watching
your life.
HOW CHRIST HAS AND IS CHANGING MY LIFE
Since then my life has gone through many hills and valleys but Jesus
has always been with me to see me through. I have always dealt with
various degrees of depression which I believe runs in my family. I firmly
believe that if I did not have Jesus Christ to go with me through these
times I would not be here today because I would have killed myself.
I am now in my 4th year of college but I am not going to graduate this
year. Over the past two years or so I became very sick. I couldn't sleep
right I couldn't get up to go to class. I had really become a mess. I would
try and ask people for help but my mother didn't think it was that serious.
Finally I just got to the point where I just thought I could not struggle
through another day. After another dismal day of sleeping 18 hours and
being awake 20. I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror thinking
about how I had screwed everything up. In the past when it wouldn't
lift I would take some pain killers which were for the migraines I used
to have or a combination of over the counter drugs. So that's what
I did I went to the drug store and bought some stuff. I took some of it.
It got me high at first but it didn't last long. It wasn't anywhere near
as good as I had remembered. So I took some more and started wandering
around campus. Now I am feeling stoned, angry, depressed, lonely, and very
confused. I wound up at McCormack Hall in the room of a couple of
friends of mine. They could tell I was out of it but they didn't know how
to help me. They just knew the "slogan" and didn't want me to drive. But
I needed a lot more than that. I began to feel scared about going back
to my apartment but in my current state I couldn't figure out why. I stayed
there for what seemed like quite a while. Finally it came to me (and this
certain surge of knowledge may seem strange to you if you've never been
stoned before but trust me it happens) I was afraid to go home because
I had a bottle of prescription sleeping pills at home that I was going
to take to kill myself. I could tell that I was about to break from reality
(this I can not justly put into words) I felt like I was going to have
no control over myself and if I went back to my apartment I was going to
kill myself even though I didn't really want to. I called my bible study
leader and she came and got me and I talked to her for a while and then
spent the night at her apartment. In the next few days I talked to some more
people about what had happened and we set up an apt to see a psychiatrist.
I was later diagnosed with manic depression aka bipolar disorder type 2.
I have been on several different medicines all which seem to work well
for a while and then quit. Right now the medicine I am on seems to be working
well. So I'm going to school now and it will probably take another couple
of years for me to finish my undergraduate degree.
When I was a sophomore in high school I attended the National Acteens Convention
here was were I first felt a call into the ministry. I was very confused
and humble by the call. I couldn't understand what God could possibly want
with me. I started praying about it and looking for information about the
various southern baptist missions programs. I then learned about the agricultural
opportunities oversees. I felt that this was what God was calling me to
do. I then started praying about where I should go to college and what
I should major in because my parents and teachers had always pressured
me towards a research science or pre-professional field. Telling them I
was going to major in Ag Ed brought many strange looks and then after that
they assumed I wanted to come back and teach Wayne County because I had
been very involved in FFA. It is very hard for me to get them to understand
that I feel called into the ministry. I had talked about my calling with
my pastor and my parents some but I did not publicly commit my life to
ministry until June of 1996 at youth fest in Louisville, KY. I am now less
confident that ministry is my calling but I am still leaving that door
open and praying for God's direction. I used to feel called
to go to grad school in International Agricultural Development. But now
I have no idea. Well actually I have hundreds of ideals but I don't know
if any of them are realistic. Every day I get a new idea about what I would
like to do and it does scare me that I may not be able to do any of them.
I know what I should do but I don't always do it. I know that it doesn't
matter what the future holds because God holds the future and his plan
is best for me. I still have a lot of anxiety about things and I am going
to try therapy again. This is the third time so maybe that will help this
time. That's all I have for now I will update this with any progress.
